You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
