I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
