Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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