If i come over, it means nothing
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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