remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
