I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
