I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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