Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
