I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
