so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
