I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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