and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
