you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
