i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
