Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
