we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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