the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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