her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I am midnight drunk by noon
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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