I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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