my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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