I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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