I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
