did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
