im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
