I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
