Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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