Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
