What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
