i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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