I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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