i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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