I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I'm both gender and math confused
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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