I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
