we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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