I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize