Pappa wants mamma naked
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
