Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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