I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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