What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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