I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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