I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
