so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
