Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
