i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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