I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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