So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Randomize
