there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
