U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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