Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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