the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize