Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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