Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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