I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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