Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
