I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
