She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize