So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
