walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
