So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
