She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
